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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?