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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!