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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there