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"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.