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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.