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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.