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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.