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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!