Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!