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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.