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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.