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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.