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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.