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Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."