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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.