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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…