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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!