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Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!