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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work