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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.