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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"