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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.