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I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?