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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up