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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.