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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
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