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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.