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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
It is possible to stay in your room all day and be perfectly happy.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.