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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
Word for the day is asstard
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.