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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?