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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.