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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
has often thought that what doesn’t kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.