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Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.