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Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.