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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.