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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Marriage is for quitters
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.