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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.