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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?