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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.