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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.