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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.