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I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.