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*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.