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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.