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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.