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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.