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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.