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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.