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Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.