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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.