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So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.