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You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.