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It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.