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I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.