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All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.