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"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
More people should be at a loss for words.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today